My heart has never been this heavy, for myself and for those she loved so very much. However, through all of this, we have been given a gift. We were able to say everything we wanted to each other, take time for acceptance and make every moment important. We let the little things go and focussed on what really mattered to us.
A few days ago, I took Oliver to say goodbye. However, we didn’t say goodbye. Instead, he sang twinkle twinkle little star to Baba, he hugged her and kissed her and told her how much he loved her. She was resting but had a smile on her face the whole time.
In the last week, I’ve spent most of my time at the hospital holding my mom’s hand and watching her breath. Each day, slower and more shallow. Thinking about how she must have watched me sleep as a baby.
Not once did I say goodbye.
Late in the night before she passed away I had asked her nurse if it was possible to have a doppler available so my mom might be able to hear baby’s heart beat one last time. Within 5 minutes a maternity nurse came in and even though my mom couldn’t respond, I knew she heard that strong baby boy heartbeat. I cannot thank that nurse enough for that gift.
That was just one small moment to be thankful for. It is hard to thank all of the people who had a hand in offering support and love during this entire journey, especially in the last couple weeks. From family and friends, to the incredible home care, doctors and nursing staff. My heart is lifted by everyone’s kindness. Big love to those who sat with me, held me, comforted me, brought me tea.
I cannot thank my Auntie Ruth enough for not only capturing these images (the only time I thought to bring my camera), but for all of those middle of the night hours together at the hospital. The family who came and made sure that there was always somebody by her side so that Opa and I could rest.
There is so much that I want to write, about my mom and everything that she meant to me. But this is all so new, and I just wanted those who cared about her to know how peaceful and comfortable she was and that she was truly surrounded by love up until her last breath.
And now to figure out what our new normal is without someone who was such a huge part of our daily lives.